McCain “elderly,” say experts
WASHINGTON—Amidst the hype of an historic democratic race, another historic candidacy has been largely ignored. If elected, Senator John McCain will be the oldest to ever serve as POTUS. “This is a true milestone for the American people,” said one McCain spokesperson. “Finally, we can be proud that we've completely healed the wounds of our shamefully ageist past.”
“McCain displays all the earmarks of an elderly man,” says one expert. “He says 'Warshington' in stead of Washington, he has telltale Sunni, Shiite confusion, he doesn't understand modern gadgets or economies and he experiences frequent and sudden urges to go to war.”
“This election is really going to be a referendum on change,” he continues. “Will we be able to overcome our prejudices and elect a doddering seventy-two-year-old? We can only hope.”
“Contrary to the conventional wisdom,” says the McCain spokesperson. “The Senator's advanced age may work in our advantage this fall. He's the candidate of experience—that and he's white. I mean, that's huge for us. An old white man is the kind of audacious change Americans can believe in.”
Recently, and very briefly, released personal medical documents have confirmed that McCain is in fact quiet decrepit.
“Say experts” headline panned by area satire critic
BUFFALO—A local headline has left one reviewer reeling. “Yeah, good work,” scoffs satire critic Ian Murphy. “Keep it up and some day you'll have a job at The Onion or 'The Daily Show'—as the janitor, you fucking hack!”
And no one else cares.
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